No one wants to find themselves in the midst of a long, expensive, contentious legal battle, but due to the intense emotional and financial nature of divorce, there is always potential for this to be your reality if you’ve decided to end your marriage.
High-conflict divorce cases can take an immense toll on a person, not to mention any children that are involved. At times, you may be tempted to lash out yourself, or make rash decisions based on whatever emotion you’re feeling at the moment.
However, this seldomly leads to achieving the outcome you’re seeking, so even though it may seem impossible, it’s in your best interests to take a deep breath, let the hurtful words or actions roll off of you, and search for the high road. We know this is easier said than done, but by reading this blog, you’re starting off on the right foot.
In this guide, we’ll help you recognize the signs that you’re in a high-conflict divorce and give you tips on how you can respond in a way that allows you to maintain your dignity and put yourself in a prime position for achieving the best post-divorce life possible.
What Is A High-Conflict Divorce?
Every high-conflict divorce will look a little different, but there are a few things they are all likely going to have in common. Most high-conflict divorces are characterized by one or both spouses being unable to stop themselves from staying psychologically engaged with the other, or shift the model of their relationship based on their newfound reality.
One or both spouses may have unmanaged emotions, exhibit extreme behaviors, have inflexible thinking skills, or be unable to take accountability for their actions and have a preoccupation with laying blame. All of these factors tend to lead to intense emotional disputes, severe difficulty reaching agreements (especially when it comes to custody and finances), and a pattern of contentious conduct which may include manipulation, false accusations, or a refusal to cooperate.
Signs You’re In A High-Conflict Divorce
Divorce is stressful and complicated, but if you’ve never been through it before, you may not be able to recognize when the emotions you’re feeling are those that typically come along with ending a significant relationship in your life, and those that are the result of a high-conflict divorce. Some tell-tale signs of high-conflict divorces are:
- Constant litigation – there are frequent trips to court over minor disputes and your spouse is reluctant to to settle issues outside of court
- Communication breakdown – your spouse engages in hostile, accusatory, or abusive communication and refuses to participate in productive discussions; they may also use the children as messengers
- Extreme emotional reactions – your spouse acts in a vindictive manner, has frequent outbursts, casts threats, and is unwilling to compromise on even small matters
- False allegations – your spouse baselessly accuses you of abuse, neglect, or financial misconduct in an attempt to sway the court by damaging your reputation
- Parental alienation – your spouse tries to turn the children against you by speaking negatively about you or telling lies; they may also interfere with visitation or custody arrangements
- Financial sabotage – your spouse may have attempted to hide assets, refuse to pay their support obligations, or intentionally delay financial disclosures
How To Respond To High-Conflict Behaviors
High-conflict divorces can spiral out of control very quickly, so if you ever feel that there is a true threat to your safety or that of your kids’, you should, of course, notify law enforcement.
Beyond those scenarios, here are some other ways you can respond to high-conflict behavior from your spouse without putting your own goals at risk:
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Stay Calm and Collected
Though it is an easy trap to fall into, you should do your best to avoid engaging in heated arguments or retaliating against your spouse when they do something that upsets you (which is why they do it, by the way). Instead, focus on the facts, rather than your emotions, when you react with them.
- Communicate Strategically
First, in high-conflict situations, it’s a good idea to let your attorney handle communication with your ex and their attorney. However, if you must communicate with them yourself, be sure to use written forms of communication like email or text that can be easily documented. Be sure to use caution, though! Pick and choose your words very carefully; if you wouldn’t want that email or text to be read in front of a judge in court, you shouldn’t send it. If you have kids with your ex that you need to communicate about, consider using co-parenting apps to minimize direct contact and, again, keep everything documented.
- Seek Professional Guidance
Having a skilled divorce attorney on your side is important in any divorce, but they are especially necessary in high-conflict divorces. They can help ensure the divorce process moves forward, despite the complications that your ex may be causing. They can also build a strong case for you and advocate for your interests in court. Moreover, your attorney may bring other experts into your case to support you, like mediators, custody evaluators, or financial professionals.
- Prioritize Your Self-Care
During this stressful and emotional time, remember not to let your own needs fall by the wayside. Remember to lean on your close friends and family for support. Finding a local therapist or mental health counselor can also give you an opportunity to speak with a neutral third-party who isn’t familiar with your ex and can offer an objective ear. Finally, prioritize your health with an exercise routine that can help reduce stress and improve your bodily resilience.
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Protect Your Children
We know that your children are probably your main concern right now, and it’s natural to want to protect them. You can do so by shielding them from the conflict that exists as best you can and avoiding discussing legal matters with them, or even letting them overhear your conversations with others regarding your ex. Reassure them that both of their parents love them very much, and that things will calm down soon so that everyone can move forward to a fresh, new beginning.
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Document Everything
Maintain a detailed log of all communications, including emails, texts, and in-person conversations, and document any significant events, disputes, or concerns, especially those involving children or financial matters. Moreover, be sure to keep thorough records of income, expenses, shared accounts, and any financial transactions, all of which should be shared with your attorney. Finally, it’s a good idea to also retain copies of all court filings, agreements, orders, and other legal correspondence for easy reference.
Trust Our Trial-Tested Team To Guide You Through Your High-Conflict Divorce With Strategic Insight
It’s critical that you seek legal representation as soon as possible in a high-conflict situation, especially if there have been instances of parental alienation, non-compliance with custody or financial orders, or threats to the safety or well-being of you or your children.
The Law Offices of Lisa G. Garza includes a dynamic team of assertive Texas divorce attorneys who have the experience, skill, and dedication to protect and support you through your high-conflict divorce. Our lead attorney, Lisa Garza, is also board certified in family law by the Texas Board of Legal Certification. You can face the future with confidence with our fierce litigators in your corner! Call today to book your free initial consultation and let’s talk more about your specific situation.